Ruddy Apes And Cannibals Read online

  Ruddy Apes And Cannibals

  After Dinner Conversation, Volume 20

  Shikhandin

  Published by After Dinner Conversation, 2020.

  Ruddy Apes And Cannibals

  Copyright © 2020 by Shikhandin

  All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations em- bodied in critical articles or reviews.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organiza- tions, places, events and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Book design, cover design, and discussion questions by After Dinner Conversation

  First Edition: January 2020

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  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Ruddy Apes And Cannibals

  About the Author

  Ruddy Apes And Cannibals

  After Dinner Conversation Series

  DOES THE RAIN REMEMBER vapor? Does vapor remember rain? Yet both were the other in their past lives. If you told their stories to each other, would they even comprehend? And, does that mean their stories are unnecessary, unimportant and implausible?

  Histories collect. And then, either gather steam and grow into humongous clouds in the minds of humans or melt and dissipate from memory, at times leaving behind a burnt-out imprint that serves as myth, legend or even fable. And other times as nothing more than a piece of imagination, startled into story. In other words, what I have to say is also history. And therefore necessary. Whether plausible or not. Useful and important. Or not.

  So listen wayfarer: once upon a time long ago, a series of explosions occurred on an island far away.

  The island’s destruction did not impact the world at large directly. Besides, those who were responsible for it knew how camouflage their actions. But before any of it happened, the islanders lived a happy and progressive life. Though I daresay you would have to be open minded about their progress. Be that as it may, the island was too far from known civilizations to be easily discovered. But eventually the islanders were noticed by the passing ships of a specific breed of hominids or advanced apes if you will, who were in the habit of casting covetous eyes wherever the sun cast its light.

  They were ruddy of face and rump, and they had all but forgotten the tails they had shed a few thousand years ago, which is a blip really in the history of Earth. They were inordinately proud of their ruddiness and tailless-ness. They held themselves erect, wore elaborate clothes ate with the help of unnecessary implements, made ceremonies out of ordinary occasions, made kings and queens out of mediocre apes, expostulated those they did not understand, expounded on matters they knew nothing about, and in general made rude apes of themselves. Their greed for shiny things, and their need to feel important took them to all corners of the Earth, wherein by cunning, subterfuge and often by sheer brute force they coerced the natives into parting with their goods, self-belief and self-dignity.

  There was not a country the Ruddy Apes hadn’t visited and plundered. They proudly told each other and their slaves that their empire was so vast when the sun set in one corner it promptly rose in another, thereby ensuring that their entire empire remained in perpetual sunlight. They believed they had taken everything the Earth had to give. But a day came, when one of them, another knave of the seas, spotted with his long glass, a verdant island in the middle of a vast ocean, swaying seductively amidst the blue like a ripe and naked savage girl on a rock in a waterfall. Their whooping was raucous.

  The islanders heard them, but did nothing to deter them. For they were a peaceful and civilized lot. They too were descended from the great apes that had learned to walk on two legs and work with fire. But these natives remembered where their ancestral tails used to be. Each revered the spot where the tail had shrunk, teaching his or her next generation to do the same. They washed their rumps with care, unlike the Ruddy Apes. And, they ate their fellow natives too.

  They were not the tom-tomming tribal people of the Ruddy Apes imagination, complete with totems, fetishes and things like that. They did not eat humans out of savage beliefs. They did not even have a religion; you know the kind with all sorts of rules, regulations and rituals, with special days of worship and priests chanting stuff, and the air redolent with piety. They ate the flesh of their own kind because it tasted good according to them, was easy to catch and breed, and one could get more flavors and textures from its body than from any other animal. They ate every part, serving one as main course or side dish or teatime snack, according to the flavor and texture of that particular body portion. The intestines were used for making sausages longer than your average python.

  The natives or the Cannibals, as they came to be called by the Ruddy Apes, did not believe in grand buildings with showy facades. This was evident from the practical homes they built from building materials that were resistant to fungus, termite, rats and other pests, and did not catch fire nor soak up rain either. In other words their homes were almost destruction proof. They required no coal, gasoline or electricity, because they had learned to harness nuclear energy responsibly. When it came to attire, they believed in the joy of color and practicality of use. In other words, they covered themselves from head to toe with colorful warm clothes in winter, but wore nothing other than large colorful hats and large colorful handkerchiefs tied around their wrists in summer. They were particular about their children’s education and it was compulsory for all the little Cannibals to attend school where they were taught to live harmoniously and productively with each other, apart from learning what good things could be got from where and how, as well as the importance of matter, and all matter that mattered in general.

  They were a curious people, forever questioning, and questing for answers to things both earthly and celestial. They were technologically advanced, thanks to their inquisitive nature and had even sent space expeditions to distant planets, way beyond our solar system. They’d already discovered intelligent extra-terrestrials, in one of the planets of 47 Ursa Majoris in the constellation of the Great Bear for instance, but since those ETs felt threatened, The Cannibals did not set up colonies there. Nor did they set up friendly cultural exchanges. Instead they contented themselves with observing the lives and times of the Ursa Majorians through robots, information pods and probes. Armed with the information, they enjoyed lively discussions and debates back home, and prepared for their next expedition on the opposite side of the universe. But the Ruddy Apes knew nothing of this. They never saw what was there right before their eyes, preferring to rely on their preconceived notions and think up descriptions and meanings of what they could not or simply would not understand.

  They had no idea that The Cannibals had existed for centuries. Happily and progressively. They hardly had any terminally sick, because of their vastly advanced medical facilities. The Cannibals did not have any population problem for obvious reasons. They also raised some humans specifically for eating purposes. These humans were revered citizens who were kept in absolute comfort, with their every wish pandered to, till such time they decided of their own accord to turn into meals. Sometimes an ordinary citizen would offer her/himself voluntarily. And that was taken to be a great
honor, both for the feasters and for the feasted upon.

  Naturally, The Cannibals did not constantly need acres and acres of land, nor did they have to wring the Earth dry of resources. What they took they replenished and did not produce unmanageable amounts of waste. But that’s not what happened to the rest of the world. The Cannibals knew. They knew everything there was to know about the Ruddy Apes and others, apes all of them. Perhaps that was why they never cared to mix in the first place. Especially with the Ruddy Apes who exhibited themselves wherever they went, sometimes annihilating the host culture in the process. The Cannibals were not interested, but too polite for their own good. Which just goes to show that even creatures of a lower order – in fact, especially so - can inflict immense harm, if you become too sanguine.

  The Ruddy Apes thought they had discovered a whole new world. Some said that this was where the descendants of the Lost City of Atlantis had hidden themselves away. Others proclaimed that they were actually the True Aryans, descended straight down from the times of the battle of Kurukshetra, without any dilution of their bloodline. Archaeologists, anthropologists, sociologists, biologists and other scientific Ruddy Apes, with a few renegade and conquered apes of disreputable colors, argued themselves hoarse about the origins, growth and culture of the newly discovered civilization.

  The Cannibals were amused at being discovered. It was a completely new experience for them. So they let themselves be observed and examined. As far as they were concerned these guys could poke around for all they were worth, as long as they didn’t learn about the important things. The things that really mattered.

  The Ruddy Apes poked and pried. And soon began to harbor ambitions of educating and civilizing The Cannibals. The latter decided to humor them. And one day, even invited one of the Ruddy Apes, a particularly hungry ape who believed himself to be a connoisseur of food, over for dinner.

  The hungry Ruddy Ape was delighted. He had heard a few stories about the culinary skills of the barbarians, and was eager to add to his repertoire of food experiences. To cut a long story short. The ape came. He saw (and sniffed). He ate. He raved about the dishes and begged for the recipes. After which, all hell broke loose.

  Nobody knew how he got wind of the fact that he had eaten human flesh. The Cannibals had all along been very careful to conceal many things about themselves. But even disciplined people have their moments of weakness. The Cannibal who was responsible for putting together that meal, may have, in a moment of pride, spilled the beans. Maybe the Ruddy Apes had planted a spy disguised as a Cannibal. Who knows? The dinner guest threw up everything and ran back to his kith as fast as his Apish legs could carry him.

  The Rudy Apes turned hostile overnight. They held private meetings and avoided The Cannibals, who tried to pacify them. Unfortunately, their efforts aggravated the matter. So why didn’t The Cannibals simply catch them and chop them up? That way they would never have had to face a shortage of meat, ever. They were experts at freezing food instantaneously. In fact so advanced were their methods of preserving fresh meats that you would not be able to tell the difference between a fresh carcass and one that had been frozen years ago.

  The reason why they did not is so simple that it is almost unbelievable.

  The Cannibals did not believe in indiscriminate killing and senseless slaughter. Besides, food was both a matter of sustenance as well as a source of creative expression for them. They were very picky about whom or what they would choose for their tables. They decided to teleport the fools back to their homeland. Unfortunately, things turned out to be very different.

  Whenever a war or even a disagreement breaks out between two groups, the one that is more savage is more likely to be the winner. The history of the Ruddy Apes is peppered with such examples, which why perhaps they preferred to eschew spicy dishes.

  The Cannibals debated among themselves about the best method of putting a distance between them. The Ruddy Apes conferred about the best ways to vanquish The Cannibals. Since they liked to put up a veneer of high thought and exalted culture over their insidious plans, and the more insidious the plan the thicker the patina of civility, the Ruddy Apes sent word that they wanted to carry out a few simple tests on them. The Cannibals readily agreed. Teleportation was an expensive affair, all said and done; they did not think the apes were worth spending so much energy and resources upon.

  The talks began, albeit from a safe distance, over megaphones. This amused The Cannibals no end. The Ruddy Apes shook with fear to see so many rows of pearly whites. Many of them fell to their knees and prayed. After some time they gathered courage and asked for some Cannibals to be brought over to their side. They wanted to conduct tests on the specimens. The Cannibals, forever the hospitable hosts, did not refuse. They allowed some of their kinsmen to be subjected to all kinds of scans and tests. Some of the scans, like the genetic scan made them laugh. The Cannibals had a longish respite after this, while the Ruddy Apes busied themselves with conferences and discussions.

  The Ruddy Apes emerged at last from their conference looking deadbeat. The Cannibals felt sorry for them and offered glasses of elixir, but the Ruddy Apes looked alarmed and refused to touch any of it. They then announced that being civilized folk, they had decided to give The Cannibals another chance, a fair trial in fact, after which they would decide their fate. By trial they meant they would pick a few Cannibals and pose questions, which they would be required to answer on behalf of the whole tribe. Needless to say, The Cannibals were great debating and quiz enthusiasts. They eagerly entered into the spirit of the game. Their curiosity was aroused. Perhaps the Ruddy Apes were not such bores after all. If they liked to solve problems through debates and quizzes, perhaps they were not so uncivilized after all. The Cannibals wondered among themselves why they had not observed this quality in the Ruddy Apes before. Maybe they had been too dismissive before. The Ruddy Apes on the other hand were surprised to see them accept so readily. They told each other in self-congratulatory tones that perhaps there was hope yet for the brutish natives.

  The trial began. The Ruddy Apes erected a fort and placed microphones on top of that. The Cannibals were discouraged from erecting a fort, so they made a simple tall table-like platform with wood instead of their special mortar so as not to draw attention to their knowledge and skills. They made a wooden ladder that lead to the platform. A couple of adventurous Ruddy Apes went over to their side to put up microphones. They even demonstrated with a lot of miming action the art of using these “advanced machines.” Afterwards, these Ruddy Apes were given bravery awards. The Cannibals shrugged. They were already humoring the oafs. Even though the sight of armored trucks being offloaded from large ships that seemed to have materialized overnight on their island annoyed them greatly.

  The Ruddy Apes began with an oath taking ceremony. They explained to The Cannibals that this was necessary in order to ensure that everybody spoke the truth. The Cannibals politely nodded, but demurred. According to them lying was an illogical activity that served no purpose other than to delay inevitable truth, thereby wasting time. They did not need to take oaths in order to stick to the truth. Besides, liars would lie anyway, regardless of the books they touched or Gods they invoked. The Cannibals’ refusal disturbed the Ruddy Apes so much that they had to hold emergency meetings immediately. Finally they announced that The Cannibals were a primitive people who had not yet developed the power of pure logical thinking, which included belief and faith in an almighty power; they also put in “stubborn” and “tendency to be fixated on a single idea” on the margins of the minutes-of-the-meeting next to the heading “Character of the Under-trials”.

  The first question that they hurled at The Cannibals was – do you admit to eating human flesh? To which The Cannibals readily and enthusiastically replied that yes they did. The Ruddy Apes pursed their lips at such brazenness. They scribbled furiously in their notebooks. Their next question was, why did they insist on eating humans when they had a wide choice of other meats? To this The
Cannibals replied that they ate humans simply because they enjoyed it; they had thousands of recipes for the different parts of the human body. The Cannibals, being gourmets began to warm up to the subject, making the Ruddy Apes hysterical in the process. The trial had to be adjourned for twenty minutes before they could move on to the third question, which was more of an accusation than a question: don’t you care about fellow humans at all? Don’t you know how precious humans are? And to this The Cannibals cheerfully replied, yes we do, we love humans; we know how precious they are, in fact lately they’ve become even more so; and we’ll be so grateful if you could supply us, you have a surplus... And so on. Oh this is terrible, the Ruddy Apes cried. Stop! Stop! They screamed, their hands against their ears. It took a long time for them to regain their composure. After which, The Cannibals demanded they break for lunch. The Ruddy Apes were too unnerved to carry on. The trial was adjourned for the day.

  The following day, at nine o’clock sharp, the trial began again. The Ruddy Apes looked haggard and listless. They had stayed up the whole night thinking up new strategies to deal with The Cannibals. They knew that they had managed to get a clear confession from the under-trials, but the situation was far from satisfactory. The Cannibals had to realize how wrong their habits were. It was vital for the health of humanity that The Cannibals, who otherwise seemed to be a trainable race of people, were made to repent the error of their ways. So the Ruddy Apes decided to try the philosophical angle.

  They started with a simple question: How do you differentiate between animals and humans? The Cannibals replied that humans were the only creatures whose emotions were interlinked with their intellect, and that this was not merely the outcome of instinct. The Ruddy Apes were pleased with this reply, though somewhat surprised; ‘animal instinct’ was a favorite phrase among many of them when describing the antics of uneducated humans.